When I would arrive at school last year, one of the first things that I did was to check my email for a missive from Rob. This was before our first face to face meeting in Idaho Falls. After that I rarely waited until I got to work and checking my mail was the first thing I did upon rising. I even kept the computer by my bed for mornings when I was bleary eyed from having been up well past midnight on the phone with Rob the previous night. Our calls usually didn’t start until Katy was bathed and in bed though that ritual evolved over time to the point where we would talk before dinner and then during bath and again after until we were both so tired we had to hang up. Those were the LDR days, and I am glad they are behind us.
Today’s photo is the one that greeted me on Valentine’s last year. It is the view from the dining room window that I see now every morning. Today’s view is overcast with light snow. Jordan’s car is sitting in front of the condo where she lives in Lancombe now rather than out front. I still don’t know the renters across the street. I remember watching them put up one of those giant inflatable pools in their front yard shortly after we moved in. It was up about a day and then their landlord, who lives next door, told them to take it down. The tiny bit of white in the left had corner is the old van. It hadn’t run in a while but Rob got it going and he drove that while I drove his Avalanche last summer. That was before we got the Equinox.
I was reading our valentine emails last night. And no, I won’t be sharing them. They are love letters. The kind you write when you are still fresh in the lust and amazement stage. We still lust awful lot and I find myself amazed now and again, but it is different. It changes even over the short run, becoming more solid and precious and wonderful.
A lot has changed and there will be changes to come because that is life, but change is good when you are with the person you love most and who loves you equally in return.
A Valentine for My Husband, Rob
Every woman needs a Sasquatch of her own
Life being incomplete without one
Earth signs are best
but at least born in an Oxen year
Able to shoulder all manner of burden
Physical and Emotional
Soft
but with firm and unyielding flesh
and principles
Impish, teasing,
able to giggle and explain (nearly) everything
Confident of being able to do (nearly) anything
Beacon bright blue eyes,
furry all over
and with very warm feet
Every woman needs a Sasquatch of her own
Life being incomplete without one
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Perimenopause
I have never been a fan of my plumbing. From the day my mother handed me a little booklet with characters out of a John, Jean and Judy book explaining the “exciting and wondrous miracle puberty”, I pretty much knew that girls got more than their fair share of the short end of God’s stick. It starts with not being able to be an altar-boy and just goes down hill from there. I think I was in sixth grade. Not quite twelve. And big for my age. So, my mother assumed, incorrectly I might add, that it was time to bring me up to speed on the whole menstruating thing. As it turned out, I didn’t start having a regular cycle until the beginning of eighth grade and that my greatest source of information about getting my period was not my mother, who’d had a hysterectomy before I was even born and hadn’t ever had what one could call a “normal” cycle, or the charming pamphlet or even the 1960-ish filmstrip presentation the sisters at my school inflicted on all the girls when they reached a “certain age”. No, like most things to do with the nether regions of my body - I learned what I needed to know from my peers. A dubious source of information to be sure but one that has stood the test of generations of young people everywhere. That is to say - the near-blind leading the legally so.
Now that I have once again reacher “a certain age”, I am finding that my peers are once again the leading edge of information as I wander, sometimes willingly and sometimes resentfully, into the valley of the shadow of menopause.
Ironically, it is my husband who has supplied me with much of my current information as he as been down this path, so to speak, before with his late wife. All manner of natural supplements have been suggested for my own good and his comfort. Black Cohosh and red clover for hot flashes, he thinks. The hot flashes are mainly a night time thing right now and only around that time of the month. Too much information? The change is like any other phase in a woman’s reproductive and sexual existence. When it is in season, it is fair game for conversation. That’s why preteens obsess about their breasts and when they will get their firs period and teens and twenty somethings can think and talk of little else but sex. It’s why married women suffer, loudly, about baby hungry and pregnant women will divulge the most intimate (and disgusting) information to anyone without even being asked for it. Labor and Delivery stories, breast-feeding adventures, and the big C of life - we are arguably more fascinated with our bodies than any man could ever be.
I am technically not menopausal. I know this because I was having issues last spring and my wonderful doctor did blood tests and had an ultra-sound done just to make sure that nothing more sinister was afoot (which caused a fair degree of worry for both Rob and I because we are now firmly in the camp of “it can happen to us” because it has). As it turned out I am just experiencing that long and winding down part of the reproductive years. From my reading, I know that it can take up to a decade to wind down to the point of actual menopause and that your best predictor for a time frame is the age at which your mother and grandmother stopped unwinding and ground to a halt. Being adopted, I don’t have that information. But, given that I was about 42ish when I first noticed things starting to change, then 52ish is a good guess. That’s eight years. Good God. That is a heck of a long time to wait for the demise of something I have never been all that fond of in the first place, and the list of symptoms that I am/could experience just bring up the short stick thing I mentioned earlier. One of the symptoms I noticed on the list was memory and concentration problems. Oh great. First it is PG brain, then mommy brain, followed by caregiver brain and then widow-brain. Top these last six years off with the hormonal (or lack thereof) induced thinking blips caused by peri and definitely menopause and by the time I am in my “right” mind again I will be too far gone in senior “moments” to notice.
Until recently, the whole aging thing hadn’t been a big deal to me. I look a tad younger than most of my peers - which I attribute to good genes and a near shunning of the sun when I was a teen and in my youngest adult years (fat girls don’t wear bathing suits). But, the white hair is getting harder to hide with just highlights and the physical things I once did without thinking need to be thought about it, and I am not sure that when you throw hormonal imbalance on top of this that I am as indifferent to getting old as I have been in the past. Rob is always talking about having this finite number of “good” old age years. As he sees it, one can still be okay - as in fit and healthy - enough to do as they would like during the 50’s and into the 60’s but that one gets maybe about 15 years max once you reach the top of the hill and round over. That is so depressing and what is worse is that I appear to be under the elder Boomer delusion that I will still be functional as a 70+ year old. Of course, perhaps I will. I read an article in the Globe yesterday about a couple of studies down with centenarians that determined it is not simply good genes that help people live into their 90’s and hit the 100 mark. Lifestyle is key as well and that they really can’t say when it is too late to improve one’s lifestyle.
It is not easy. Undoing the damage of caregiving and the stresses of the last years. Going on six now since Will’s first troubling symptoms began. I have started Yoga and I find that if I ignore the Mahareshi side of it I enjoy it quite a bit. I walk. I even have Rob walking. I can run again but try not to overdo it as it is hard on my knees. I lift weights. Heavy ones. I am Zena. I am a near total vegan but I need to work on the fruit thing. I hate out of season fruit. It’s squishy during the winter. How can anyone think about putting squishy fruit in her mouth without gagging?
Perhaps I will do okay. 102 is a good age to shoot for, don’t you think. One can’t set too lofty a goal where living is concerned, in my opinion.
Now that I have once again reacher “a certain age”, I am finding that my peers are once again the leading edge of information as I wander, sometimes willingly and sometimes resentfully, into the valley of the shadow of menopause.
Ironically, it is my husband who has supplied me with much of my current information as he as been down this path, so to speak, before with his late wife. All manner of natural supplements have been suggested for my own good and his comfort. Black Cohosh and red clover for hot flashes, he thinks. The hot flashes are mainly a night time thing right now and only around that time of the month. Too much information? The change is like any other phase in a woman’s reproductive and sexual existence. When it is in season, it is fair game for conversation. That’s why preteens obsess about their breasts and when they will get their firs period and teens and twenty somethings can think and talk of little else but sex. It’s why married women suffer, loudly, about baby hungry and pregnant women will divulge the most intimate (and disgusting) information to anyone without even being asked for it. Labor and Delivery stories, breast-feeding adventures, and the big C of life - we are arguably more fascinated with our bodies than any man could ever be.
I am technically not menopausal. I know this because I was having issues last spring and my wonderful doctor did blood tests and had an ultra-sound done just to make sure that nothing more sinister was afoot (which caused a fair degree of worry for both Rob and I because we are now firmly in the camp of “it can happen to us” because it has). As it turned out I am just experiencing that long and winding down part of the reproductive years. From my reading, I know that it can take up to a decade to wind down to the point of actual menopause and that your best predictor for a time frame is the age at which your mother and grandmother stopped unwinding and ground to a halt. Being adopted, I don’t have that information. But, given that I was about 42ish when I first noticed things starting to change, then 52ish is a good guess. That’s eight years. Good God. That is a heck of a long time to wait for the demise of something I have never been all that fond of in the first place, and the list of symptoms that I am/could experience just bring up the short stick thing I mentioned earlier. One of the symptoms I noticed on the list was memory and concentration problems. Oh great. First it is PG brain, then mommy brain, followed by caregiver brain and then widow-brain. Top these last six years off with the hormonal (or lack thereof) induced thinking blips caused by peri and definitely menopause and by the time I am in my “right” mind again I will be too far gone in senior “moments” to notice.
Until recently, the whole aging thing hadn’t been a big deal to me. I look a tad younger than most of my peers - which I attribute to good genes and a near shunning of the sun when I was a teen and in my youngest adult years (fat girls don’t wear bathing suits). But, the white hair is getting harder to hide with just highlights and the physical things I once did without thinking need to be thought about it, and I am not sure that when you throw hormonal imbalance on top of this that I am as indifferent to getting old as I have been in the past. Rob is always talking about having this finite number of “good” old age years. As he sees it, one can still be okay - as in fit and healthy - enough to do as they would like during the 50’s and into the 60’s but that one gets maybe about 15 years max once you reach the top of the hill and round over. That is so depressing and what is worse is that I appear to be under the elder Boomer delusion that I will still be functional as a 70+ year old. Of course, perhaps I will. I read an article in the Globe yesterday about a couple of studies down with centenarians that determined it is not simply good genes that help people live into their 90’s and hit the 100 mark. Lifestyle is key as well and that they really can’t say when it is too late to improve one’s lifestyle.
It is not easy. Undoing the damage of caregiving and the stresses of the last years. Going on six now since Will’s first troubling symptoms began. I have started Yoga and I find that if I ignore the Mahareshi side of it I enjoy it quite a bit. I walk. I even have Rob walking. I can run again but try not to overdo it as it is hard on my knees. I lift weights. Heavy ones. I am Zena. I am a near total vegan but I need to work on the fruit thing. I hate out of season fruit. It’s squishy during the winter. How can anyone think about putting squishy fruit in her mouth without gagging?
Perhaps I will do okay. 102 is a good age to shoot for, don’t you think. One can’t set too lofty a goal where living is concerned, in my opinion.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Another Service Issue and an Internet Update
The Equinox’s driver side airbag indicator light has been indicating a need for service since October. We bought the vehicle in September, so we assumed it was simply a matter of scheduling an appointment at the dealership and the problem would be remedied. But, it is now February and the problem remains unchanged. It’s not that we couldn’t get an appointment. I think we’ve had it in twice between then and now but the first time, they didn’t have the part that was needed, and the second time the part that was ordered was the wrong part for the type and make of the vehicle. Rob tried phoning the service department yesterday to see if the part was in since we haven’t heard from anyone is over a month but he was shuffled through “can you hold, please?” hell for 25 minutes and then gave up.
It’s like everywhere else up here in Alberta these days. The “service” part is lacking and mainly because there are more jobs than people. When it’s just as easy to quit and walk across the street (or even relocate half a province away) without penalty, you find that those who do have jobs aren’t working as much as the job requires and those who aren’t working are simply waiting for their funds to deplete to the point where working is necessary again. The Chevy dealership in Fort Saskatchewan is having a hard time finding mechanics and hanging on to them. They are having a hard time finding people to answer the phones and man the service counter too. After Rob’s wasted phone effort, I decided just to go there in person today. It’s a bit harder to “can you hold, please?” to a customer hovering around your desk - though not as impossible as you might think.
When I arrived at the dealership, I found a basically deserted service area. The glass cubicle offices were empty. There weren’t even names on the doors because currently they have no service department manager or receptionist. A middle-aged Middle Eastern with understandable diction but a limited (it seemed) ability to comprehend English was manning the counter. I told him what I needed. And then I told him again, but more slowly. After a bit more confusion, I ended up in the garage speaking with a harried young man whose hair style reminded me of Will’s. Too much hair gel and combed back. Will had curly hair and hated it. He was always trying to subdue it. I wondered if the young man had the same problem. Hair gel on men with fine hair gives them a scalpy look, but still reminds me a bit of Al Pacino in The Godfather (either part).
As soon as I managed to ascertain that the part my vehicle needed had indeed arrived, I called Rob to make sure the appointment date would work. He then asked me to inquire after the on order parts for the Avalanche as well (same saga really just shorter time frame, though not by much).
So, I left the Southfort Chevy dealership with one service appointment, Shawn (the young man with the wet look) hot on the trail of the parts for the Avalanche, and the realization that service is a do-it-yourself thing in this neck of the prairie.
*Internet update: Our provider called back last evening! (I wonder if he read my blog?) He finally admitted that there does indeed appear to be something wrong with the receiver on our roof and will be out to look at this weekend but only if Rob clears the snow from the roof. (We have a VERY steep roof and this scares me - and him a little too.) He also has decided not to charge us for the repair. Hurray.
It’s like everywhere else up here in Alberta these days. The “service” part is lacking and mainly because there are more jobs than people. When it’s just as easy to quit and walk across the street (or even relocate half a province away) without penalty, you find that those who do have jobs aren’t working as much as the job requires and those who aren’t working are simply waiting for their funds to deplete to the point where working is necessary again. The Chevy dealership in Fort Saskatchewan is having a hard time finding mechanics and hanging on to them. They are having a hard time finding people to answer the phones and man the service counter too. After Rob’s wasted phone effort, I decided just to go there in person today. It’s a bit harder to “can you hold, please?” to a customer hovering around your desk - though not as impossible as you might think.
When I arrived at the dealership, I found a basically deserted service area. The glass cubicle offices were empty. There weren’t even names on the doors because currently they have no service department manager or receptionist. A middle-aged Middle Eastern with understandable diction but a limited (it seemed) ability to comprehend English was manning the counter. I told him what I needed. And then I told him again, but more slowly. After a bit more confusion, I ended up in the garage speaking with a harried young man whose hair style reminded me of Will’s. Too much hair gel and combed back. Will had curly hair and hated it. He was always trying to subdue it. I wondered if the young man had the same problem. Hair gel on men with fine hair gives them a scalpy look, but still reminds me a bit of Al Pacino in The Godfather (either part).
As soon as I managed to ascertain that the part my vehicle needed had indeed arrived, I called Rob to make sure the appointment date would work. He then asked me to inquire after the on order parts for the Avalanche as well (same saga really just shorter time frame, though not by much).
So, I left the Southfort Chevy dealership with one service appointment, Shawn (the young man with the wet look) hot on the trail of the parts for the Avalanche, and the realization that service is a do-it-yourself thing in this neck of the prairie.
*Internet update: Our provider called back last evening! (I wonder if he read my blog?) He finally admitted that there does indeed appear to be something wrong with the receiver on our roof and will be out to look at this weekend but only if Rob clears the snow from the roof. (We have a VERY steep roof and this scares me - and him a little too.) He also has decided not to charge us for the repair. Hurray.
Monday, February 11, 2008
I Hate My Internet Provider
I will probably end up publishing this from the library today because our Internet has been more off than on for the last while. One of the downsides to living out in the country is that you have two options for Internet: dial-up or satellite. The ironic thing is that we live in a probably one of the wealthiest counties in the province and many people choose to live outside the city on acreage's and such but there isn’t any company interested in providing decent amenities to match people’s choices. Of course it comes down again to the peculiar Canadian mindset about service. The attitude is prevailingly “as long as I am still getting paid - no one can make me work any harder than I feel like working”.
Our provider, Albertacom, is a dinky two guy operation located in Edmonton. One of the guy’s has his wife answering the phone and taking messages. That’s the extent of staff. I imagine that the two fellows spend most of their time doing installations, which might explain why they loathe to perform service calls to check on the equipment when something isn’t working properly. Their standard line has been that we need a new router and Rob resisted for a while but haven’t the recent upgrade to the system to make it faster, we went from slow to no internet nearly half the time or better. So, Rob got a new router. It worked for about a day. Then the same old problem - it would go down and stay down. He moved the router from the basement into our office upstairs. Same result. We switched to my old Airport. Same result. In desperation, Rob searched out some programming updates and updated the old router. Nothing.
What we need is for someone to come out and do a service call, but after dozens of calls and emails - they won’t even reply to a message from us anymore.
My advice to anyone in the Edmonton/Fort Saskatchewan area of Alberta is to totally avoid Albertcom as an Internet provider. They are only in it to collect a monthly charge. You won’t get service from them.
Our provider, Albertacom, is a dinky two guy operation located in Edmonton. One of the guy’s has his wife answering the phone and taking messages. That’s the extent of staff. I imagine that the two fellows spend most of their time doing installations, which might explain why they loathe to perform service calls to check on the equipment when something isn’t working properly. Their standard line has been that we need a new router and Rob resisted for a while but haven’t the recent upgrade to the system to make it faster, we went from slow to no internet nearly half the time or better. So, Rob got a new router. It worked for about a day. Then the same old problem - it would go down and stay down. He moved the router from the basement into our office upstairs. Same result. We switched to my old Airport. Same result. In desperation, Rob searched out some programming updates and updated the old router. Nothing.
What we need is for someone to come out and do a service call, but after dozens of calls and emails - they won’t even reply to a message from us anymore.
My advice to anyone in the Edmonton/Fort Saskatchewan area of Alberta is to totally avoid Albertcom as an Internet provider. They are only in it to collect a monthly charge. You won’t get service from them.
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